fine taste with a fowl mouth

I hate to admit this… But I’m still a baby. Yeh sure I like to wear my grown up pants but in reality I’m so needy. It’s fucking 4am and all I can think about is needing to get my back rubbed. I don’t like this bed I’ve been sleeping on at my pArents house cuz the mattress isn’t pillow top. I bitch about little shit like this and then I remember… I’m having a baby. I start to worry if I’ll be a good mommy. I think I’m just cranky. I should go back to sleep.

i LOVE christmas shopping.

ahhh. i can actually sit here for awhile and be at peace. it’s been physically impossible for me to get out of bed - nausea and all. i do feel much better than last week. ideally i have another month to go (hopefully) until i can experience the fun food cravings and not be sick after! the only downside is my nausea seems to calm down when i drink 7up - aka soda. i am not a fan of soda… & the pregnant woman is not supposed to drink soda. i figure this phase will only be for a short amount of time.

on a positive note. i am super happy. i can honestly say that. after all the mess that went down these past few weeks, i instantly got over it. there’s no point worrying about the bullshit. i only care about one thing right now & that’s my child. 

HIM = whom i will presently call the mystery man… has been an amazing individual. he’s been nothing but sweet, sincere, respectful, calm… everything that i need right now. although he’s not my “lover”.. we now have a permanent type of relationship. and he’s ok with that. I’M more than ok with that. we both seem to understand each other very well - despite our situation. it also eases me to know that his plans are all for the baby. :)

my due date is now june 27th, 2012… earlier than i was told before. funny because not only will my baby be a cancer baby just like mommy, but their birthday is a few days after mine. crazy, eh? *crosses fingers for a boy*  

letting go & moving on

i was miserable, lying there channel surfing. i began to think how boring this was, and how badly i wanted to leave and do something. then i remembered, i can’t do that anymore. i can’t blow my money on stupid shit. i was carrying a kid and i had to be responsible. as much as i didn’t want to be moved back into my parents house, it was the best thing to do for me and baby. i had the opportunity to save up and be closer to my job.

REWIND: almost a week ago, i was undergoing the common symptoms of pregnancy. my boyfriend even noticed them - pretty much all those i was around on a daily basis knew i was pregnant. finding out, was the most bizarre thing.

i was out with my good friend gigi. she knew about my situation, and how anxious i was to take a pregnancy test. we had dinner at blue moon burger, got coffee from jewel box cafe… then headed to target to get that TEST. once we were in there, i didn’t bother looking around. i knew what i needed to get. when i was in line to get rung up, i was pretty embarrassed that a pregnancy test was my only purchase…and that the cashier was a dude. i then went into the bathroom, did my thing and waited. the test was a bit slower than others i’ve taken. it made me so nervous. within a minute or so, a single line came up. according to the picture diagram, it was negative. i kept freaking out, as gigi was on the other side of my stall asking to see it. we looked at it together - it was negative, and we came to the assumption that my symptoms were just a “mental thing” … i felt somewhat relieved… but slightly disappointed. i was actually looking forward to being a mom, deep down.

we then went for a night walk to alki beach… talked, laughed… i couldn’t help but think about the test, and my symptoms. it was just odd to me. we were at alki for about 30 minutes when i suddenly felt the urge to look at the test again (yes, i kept it in my bag…) and holy shit. it was positive. i showed it to gigi and we kept saying SHIT FUCK SHIT SHIT SHIT!! OMG!! WTF?! etc… apparently tests that are cheaper in price will take LONGER to process. i was happy and scared at the same time.

i wanted to tell the world but i couldn’t. i had to wait until this was a 101% sure thing. we then went to my friend shaun’s place… shared the news with him. his exact words were “i’m gonna be an auntie!” it was a wonderful thing… until i came home.

ken, my boyfriend, was asleep. before i even left that night he was the one who encouraged me to get a test. i was glad i had more time before i got to tell him the news. the next day, ken went to work - which also gave me more time. i was set on keeping this baby, as i’ve told myself before, i would not get another abortion. ken knew this.

that sunday evening i left to pickup ken from work. i was emotional, crying my ass off on the way there. i was scared to tell him. once he got in the car, his mood was jolly. he had a good day. i felt bad i was gonna screw that up… he saw that i was crying, and repeatedly asked me to talk to him. he said, “you can tell me anything. i think i already know what it’s about.” we arrived home, and i pulled out the test. his first response was, “oh! it’s negative.” and i said, “no hun…look at it closer. that’s a plus sign.” he said “…oh. well how did that happen?” i knew this was going to get ugly. he went on about how we weren’t ready.. how we can’t even take care of ourselves. he was worried about his job situation, and how i am healthwise. he kept going and going and going… i did understand everything he said fully. but i was set on having this baby. it was to the point where everything he said went in one ear and out the other. i then got frustrated with him, and asked him to leave. he kept trying to talk to me, but i refused. when a man pretty much suggests to get rid of YOUR child, that you made TOGETHER, i just didn’t want to hear his shit anymore. after about 20 times of telling him to get out of the car, he finally did.

throughout the next few days, me and his conversations ended up like this. i was sick to death of him. i couldn’t believe the man i’ve loved for 5 years is seriously giving up on me and our child. i never expected this. sure, it’s normal for the guy to get freaked out upon hearing this news. but really? you want to give up? i was falling out of love with him faster…and faster…

during this process, my family and friends have provided me with tremendous support. shit, they were more excited than me i think. my parents were surprisingly accepting also. but then, i couldn’t help but be sad… sad that my long term relationship was fading. flashbacks of our good memories would play back over and over. it was so heartbreaking. we were the type of couple that was always a team. we usually saw eye to eye, and we did productive and fun things together. in the back of my mind, i would question was he REALLY the one? some of his actions made me feel this way. and now, i see it. his willingness to give up and not pull through this with me - the biggest moment of our lives… why? just because you think you can’t handle it? we kept getting into arguments - one, got a bit violent. i threw things at him, called him names, threatened him. i was a mess. i was so broken. his mom lives in the unit below us and she heard everything. she came up after the fight was over, sat next to me in my bed and rubbed my back. she told me no matter what happens, she’ll always love me and support whatever decision i make. she can’t do anything about her son’s decision, but it doesn’t change the fact that she’ll be a grandma.

the following morning, i laid in bed thinking of my next move. if this relationship between him and i wasn’t going to work, i had to leave. i couldn’t move into another one bedroom apartment and have a kid… with a man who doesn’t even want it. ken was still asleep. i awoke him, asking him, “do you want me to leave?” his immediate response was “i don’t WANT you to. i just want to work on US and start over. but if you’re going to continue with this pregnancy, i can’t handle it.” my heart sunk. a small part of me thought he would come to his senses… but the fact that he made up his mind, i began packing my things. my mind was made up too.

almost 2 days later, i am slowly adjusting to my new lifestyle. ken’s decision is something i will have to get over - as unfortunate as it is. i’m glad that i have so many people who are very loving and supportive. that’s all i need right now. i prepared myself mentally to raise this child on my own. if this was meant for me, so be it. i am willing to accept whatever challenges i have to. it’s going to be hard, but i refuse to be weak and give up.